Hiding From Seagulls Read online

  An Infinite Man Bear, & A Lesson About Money

  I want you to know that the bus looked like any other bus. Just an ordinary double-decker service bus at an ordinary bus stop on an ordinary road. Nothing special to look at. There were no magic fumes from the exhaust pipe or wings to fly with. It was just a service bus that was going slightly too fast. It stopped a few feet up the road away from us all. The automatic doors opened inviting us on-board and as I made my way to the driver I found the doors were the only thing inviting about the bus.

  The driver's name was on his name badge. Raheam Akbar was a man well shaven and quite short. He also seemed impatient wanting to leave already.

  “Come on I’m running late. Quickly please,” he snapped with a look worse than any of the teachers or even the snitch could give. I fumbled quickly for my ticket then pushed it under the glass screen to Raheam who stamped it and waved his hand impatiently ushering me to the inside of the bus.

  “Can I ask,” I began plucking up courage, “where we are going?”

  “I don't know check your timetable,” Raheam replied.

  Next in line was Simon the Snitch. He had not carried out his threat of walking away sadly but from the look on his face he was planning to report this bus driver to his mother. This would be followed by his mother making a scene at the school and demanding to speak to the head teacher the next day.

  “Listen I need to know where we are going,” he argued.

  Raheam waved his index finger gesturing for Simon to get closer to the drivers transparent protective screen. Simon leaned closer. The bus driver smiled as he whispered the words.

  “It goes wherever you want it to go!”

  Simon must have decided it was better not to ask any more questions for now and took his seat without further protest.

  Within a few seconds both Madeline and Rob had taken their seats. Then Edward, the man in the bear suit, made his way gingerly on to the bus. Once Raheam had seen Ted his impatient and gloomy outlook seemed to change.

  “Ted!” He shouted out the greeting.

  “Hello again son,” Ted said.

  “Been a long day for you my man. You're heading home I take it?”

  “Indeed,” the man-bear responded taking his seat. Then the Snitch stood up.

  “This is a school trip. What is that bear man doing on here?” He asked pointing to Ted as though a man in a bear suit needed pointing out.

  “Where else would you want him to go,” Raheam responded, “this is his bus home.”

  Without waiting for a response Raheam checked his mirror and pulled away.

  The loud noise of the bus engine drowned out Simon's protest. The bus felt like any other. The seats were colourful and old looking. There were no notices or advertisements apart from a big sign placed above the drivers head demanding that he was not to be disturbed or distracted for any reason. I had no intention of disturbing this driver anyway.

  Rob was talking to me. But as is often the case when someone speaks on a bus I could only make out a word or two over the engine noise and from the parts I heard Rob was rambling away to himself anyway. He seemed excited to be going anywhere.

  After a while my attention was drawn to the window and I enjoyed looking out onto the fields as we moved outside of London. We were heading further and further out of the city and into places I had never been to. Small villages seemed to appear in the horizon and then disappear. Churches and town halls all appearing out of nowhere with every narrow turn. It was here that the bus journey stopped resembling an ordinary bus journey and started to become something quite different.

  It was almost as if the world was struggling to put together full places. Instead there were stand out houses dotted around. The odd church and an occasional shop popped up in the greenery. Apart from those odd few buildings the landscape was a field followed by another field. It was like the world had run out of buildings and roads. Soon the fields we saw became populated by sheep and the hills became steep. Eventually we came to a very large hill.

  Rob rubbed his hands together and grinned.

  “I bet he's going to struggle to get this clapped out old bus up this one,” he said with excitement in his voice.

  The others didn't look so excited. Madeline glanced in my direction but looked indifferent and Simon shrugged his shoulders. Man Teddy was asleep as the bus slowed to walking pace at the steepest part of the steepest hill I had ever seen. Then it managed to climb to the top and swing down the other side over a dip leaving us all with upset stomachs. You would have thought we had been on a roller coaster. As I looked ahead I noticed that the ground had thankfully returned to being quite flat. Now there were buildings, farms, and houses.

  “Look at that guy,” Madeline shouted sounding truly astonished. Once I looked out the window on her side I couldn't believe my eyes either.

  One guy dressed as a bear is weird enough but two? Then three? More? It must be the whole town dressed as bears!

  “What is this?!” Simon shouted.

  Ted who seemed to have been asleep for most of the journey had began looking around getting ready to find his stop.

  “They're all like you here. Is it fancy dress or something?” Simon asked.

  “I told you already I don't dress like a bear,” Ted said standing shakily, “I am a bear.”

  Then he rang the bell above his head and the bus began to slow down to a gradual stop.

  The doors flung open and Ted made his way to the front of the bus thanking Raheam on his way. The rest of us all stayed where we were.

  Raheam tilted his head to face the seats we were in.

  “This is it,” he said impatiently. “This is your stop.”

  We all looked at each other.

  “Don't we get a tourist map or a guide or anything?” Simon asked

  Raheam laughed a little.

  “How will we know what time to get back to the bus and the time we have to be back for?” Madeline asked

  “This is your first time on the bus by yourselves isn’t it?” Raheam said as he let out a heavy sigh.

  We all nodded in union.

  “You find a bus stop. Then you click your fingers and you say magic me a bus,” Raheam explained.

  Now I wanted to stay on this bus drivers good side because he was my way out of there and back home. Rob seemed unnervingly excited about the whole thing and Madeline seemed passive. She acted like everything was normal and okay. The same couldn't be said for Simon who seemed to be losing his temper more and more with every passing second. He had clearly had enough of the abnormal journey.

  “What are you on about a magical bus?” Simon exploded. “That is not how you catch a bus! How are we meant to find our way around here with no guide?”

  Raheam shrugged his shoulders.

  “No guide, no teachers this is the best school trip of all time,” Rob added on his way to the front. Then he patted me on the shoulders and clenched his hand into a fist, punched the air and shouted “let's go!”

  Yes he really was that enthusiastic about everything. We could have battled it out among ourselves a while longer but Ted put his head back round the door and shouted.

  “If you guy's are at a loose end you could come round to mine for a while until the next one comes.”

  Simon's face gave his answer better than words could but I spoke up before he got a chance to answer.

  “That sounds like a good idea,”I said without really thinking about it. We didn't know the man-bear but he seemed genuine enough.

  “We should stick together,” Madeline added.

  “This is your stop,” Raheam said matter of factly.

  “You all have to get off here.”

  We all stepped off. Raheam and his bus were gone almost instantly and for the first time we were left somewhere completely unknown.

  “Follow me,” Edward the man-teddy said parting crowds of other adult sized Teddy's.

  We all followed not
once asking ourselves why. After a five-minute walk through a place that was mostly covered with trees and pretty to look at we began to walk up a hill. Robert followed first filled with his usual slightly annoying type of cheer and sense of adventure. Followed by a confused looking Madeline, then Simon. I dawdled along at the back.

  We were heading to an old manor house on a hill. The type you might see in a cheesy horror movie as a typical boogeyman’s house. You know a baddie werewolf's lair or maybe a goblins. Maybe even a real vampire! Not the moody teenager type the girls at school seemed to enjoy.

  Man-teddy reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief and a key. He sneezed into his handkerchief and then opened the door with the key.

  So vampires, werewolves, and it would seem grown men dressed as teddy bears were possible tenants of this grim looking mansion.

  “This your house?” Rob asked right away.

  Ted nodded.

  The house was huge. The rooms were decorated in a similar way an old royal palace might have been. It was all big portraits and grandfather clocks.

  “Hey it's alight this,” Rob declared slouching into one of the chairs and making himself at home. “I could get used to this.”

  Without speaking the man bear took his walking stick and swiped Rob's legs causing him to fall back and the chair to topple over. Rob laid in the chair with his hands and feet in the air. Madeline let out a giggle and Simon hid a smirk with his hands.

  Man Teddy looked at her. His face was stern and humourless. Again he took the keys out of his pocket and unlocked another door. This led to a corridor.

  “Follow me,” he said.

  Once again we did follow him. We went through the longest corridor I had ever walked through. There were pictures on the wall of other people in various animal costumes.

  One of the pictures showed a man who had the head of an elephant. The elephant man was eating crisps. There was another photograph showing a couple of Owl's at a party. In one at the far end of the room was a portrait of the man-teddy himself. The picture showed him complete with stick and top hat.

  Edward the man teddy had not spoken for a long time so I decided to try making conversation.

  “Who are the people in the photograph's Edward?” I asked.

  “People who lived here. Or maybe people who are going to live here. My family you could say.”

  Other photographs showed the man bear in black and white. Some were yellowed with age.

  “Impossible,” Simon said looking at one of the pictures.

  It clearly showed the man bear stood by The Titanic.

  “It's fake,” I said saying what the others were thinking.

  The man teddy looked at me and shook his head. Usually such a claim would have been laughable. Today stranger things had happened. Sure enough it wasn't the only impossible photograph. Another showed the bear in World War 2.

  “So you're old,” I said giving the only other possible conclusion I could think of. Why it didn't occur to any of us at the time that it could be the same costume but with a different person I really don't know. That was Geoff's theory as he sipped his tea but he, unlike me, didn't yet know about the man bear.

  “How old are you?” Robert asked Ted without hesitation.

  “I am Infinite,” Ted replied as his eyes widened.

  “Impossible,” Simon said again.

  Madeline shook her head.

  “Not impossible,” she corrected “just not measurable.”

  Ted the man bear offered her if I'm not mistaken a knowing smile.

  It occurred to me then that to Madeline this was a real version of one of the books she carried with her. She was reacting as though she was a bystander to everything. As an audience member commenting on a play. I got the impression that Madeline spent a lot of her time in a make-believe world. While the rest of us were unsettled by disappearing timetables and man teddy bears she seemed comfortable.

  “Look exactly where are you taking us?” Simon asked.

  “Before you leave for your next bus I want to show you something.”

  Edward opened yet another door this led to what looked like a clothes wardrobe.

  We all got in, trusting the Man bear without reason, and perhaps against our better judgement.

  You may wish to stop me here and say Tommy why would you trust someone you don't know. Geoff did and he was right. Usually I wouldn't trust anyone I had just met. But then ordinarily I don't catch dimension hopping buses and hang around in a village with people in teddy bear costumes.

  We stood in the wardrobe and Edward the man bear pulled a leaver.

  The floor of the wardrobe moved downwards revealing the wardrobe as a secret elevator.

  “We could be going into another world like they do in Narnia,” Madeline said.

  I didn't think so. For one it felt like we were in another world anyway because everyone was dressed as bears. I was hoping the bear wasn't a mad Willy Wonka type. Willy Wonka taught children lessons by killing them off, I think, and I didn't really fancy any of that.

  The elevator stopped and the doors opened. Ted was waiting for us at the bottom. He opened his arms wide as if to present the room to us.

  What I saw went beyond treasure. It was a swimming pool full of money. More money than you could imagine of every currency in the world. Notes, coins and gold all in one great big hole. Ted took his top hat off and took out the money that had been wedged inside. Then he stood up straight and danced around with his stick.

  “I can't believe it,” Simon shouted in disbelief.

  “He really is loaded,” Rob cried.

  “Did I forget to mention children. I’m rich. Filthy, lovely, wonderfully, rich.”

  With that the man bear jumped into his pit of money and began swimming a length.

  Rob uninvited jumped into the pool.

  “Awesome,”he shouted.

  The pool had very little light underground. But what light there was glistened gold and silver from the coins.

  “Oh there's one last thing,” Ted said once he had gotten out of the pool and put his top hat back on.

  “What's that?” I asked.

  “Give me all your money!”

  Even through the bear-suit the voice sounded serious.

  “What, just give you my money?” I asked sounding as surprised as I felt and I didn’t think anything could surprise me more today. “I can't just give you my money.”

  “Why what happens if I give you my money?” Rob asked passing over a crumpled £5 note from his pocket.

  Simon looked disgusted and no doubt was making snitch-worthy plans to report this the very moment he got back.

  Ted ran his paws over Rob's note and it vanished.

  “That's really good,” Rob said sounding quite amazed, “Now make it come back!”

  Ted shook his head.

  “It never comes back,” he declared showing the children both empty hands.

  Two things happened in that moment. The first is that Edward the man bear taught me the most important lesson I ever learned about money. Once it was gone it really does never come back. The second is that the man bear seemed satisfied with his donation. The only problem was that he took Rob's money and that made him a thief.

  “Now I'm serious, give it back!” Rob demanded, “Give it back!”

  Edward turned away.

  “A fool and his money are easily parted,” he said.

  “No way! give it back!”

  Edward waved Rob's money over his head as though it was magic

  “I'm not the type of bear that mucks around with honey,” he said shaking his head from side to side

  “I'm the type of bear that likes to steal your money.”

  I thought Rob was going to cry. But he kept his nerve. He was insistent on getting the money back and angry. He sounded more like Scrappy Doo now then ever, “Let me at em, let me at em Uncle Scooby!”

  “That's not fair. You can
't just take his money,” Madeline argued trying to get the money back for Rob.

  “If you don't pass it back I will be telling the school,” Simon threatened unsurprisingly.

  Then we were all interrupted.

  One of the lights had gone out unnoticed. Then with a sharp clank another went out, then another. Any conflict we had about the cash seemed to have gone.

  “Oh no,” Ted said looking startled. “She knows you are here. But how?”

  “Who?” Madeline asked her voice quivering.

  “Yeah who?” Simon asked also sounding worried

  “Never mind the lights. Where's my money,” said Rob.

  Man-bear stayed silent as the dark spread suffocating our surroundings. We looked at each others faces and saw each others rising panic. It was at this point I am sure I heard the man-bear mention a Duchess of Disapproval. I could be wrong, though it was the moment that we all became aware that our presence in the man bears world had not gone unnoticed.

  “Well I'm not afraid,” Said Rob predictably ready for whatever came.

  I'm not ashamed to admit to you that I was afraid. It was like something was happening and there was no stopping it. A something that knew we were children in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now although I shall admit to you all that I was scared for my life I would not admit it to the others at the time nor would they to me. I made the decision to run towards the light that remained and the other's followed.

  “Wait,” cried Ted.

  “I'm not waiting,” shouted Rob, “You're nothing but a masked thief.”

  Ted's face looked different now. His eyes were sunken and his shoulders shrugged and he looked as sad as a man in a bear suit could look. Which believe me is very sad.

  “That way leads to the tunnels that run through my mansion,” he shouted after us.

  “ There's so many of them nobody knows where they lead. Not even me.”

  He was too late. I had made the decision for the group. for better or worse, and his voice became more and more distant as we went into the first of the underground tunnels.

  The Way Neither Back Nor Forward